The Freedom of Being by Jan Frazier

Author:Jan Frazier
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781609258023
Publisher: Red Wheel Weiser

The Death of a Loved One

When someone beloved has died, the grief can be so powerful that you may fear you simply cannot bear surrendering to the full force of it. Yet holding back from that terrible yielding is not really protecting you so much as it's compounding the suffering. Painful as it is to acknowledge the enormity of the loss, turning toward grief is turning toward love—the love for the person and the love that's the nature of unresisting presence. Grief is a potent invitation to profound surrender. When nothing is held back, the surrender to sorrow can summon the deep stillness of presence, an awareness of the larger reality in which all of this is held: the passing of a life, the utter finality of the opportunity to love, the grief that holds you in its grip. In the very moment grief is keenest, you may sense the peaceful presence of all-that-is, and know that it is within you.

As you confront the hard reality of someone's death, it will help to remember that you need accept only this moment's loneliness and sadness. The succession of hours and days and months ahead will arrive, each in its own time, and you will be with each one then, as it comes.

Accepting the passing of someone deeply loved asks you to take in the utter finality of death. Death is the end of all possibility for your relationship to be any way other than it was, or to have more of what was good. The end of the opportunity to love is a lot to surrender to. Underlying the struggle against acceptance is probably a visceral longing to simply undo reality—to go back in time, to have another chance to get things right. The deepest wish is that most impossible of things: to bring the person back to life. Sometimes these desires, never to be fulfilled, will be held below the level of conscious awareness, because you are (unconsciously) aware of wanting what you know you cannot have. Yet if you can bring your longing (however unrealistic it may be) into the light of awareness, allowing its presence, along with feelings of guilt, regret, anger, or relief that may accompany grief—if you're able to acknowledge the extent of what's being grieved—you are more likely to face what's there to be faced, in a way that will enable you to come to peace, and to move on with your life, without this person whom you so loved.

Be alert to the mind's attempt to generate consoling thoughts as a way to distance you from the pain. She had a long, good life. Now his suffering has come to an end. You may seek to take refuge in memories of better times, to retreat to a “spiritual” interpretation of what's occurred. There may be an effort to “keep your mind off of it,” as if forcing a stiff upper lip will somehow diminish or blunt the severity of the loss. Instead, stay in feeling as much as you can.

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